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10 Troubling Signs of Dying Intimacy

Declining patience, interest, touch, and more.

Relationship intimacy is the haven of emotional security that committed partners share only with each other. It is a space they cherish and protect.

When people are newly in love, they create that safe harbor together, readily sacrificing whatever they can to ensure that it remains intact.

Sadly, that promise cannot always survive life’s complex and unexpected challenges. As relationships mature, partners sometimes lack the resources to nurture their intimacy, threatening what had kept them bound to one another.

To prevent that loss, partners must be able to recognize signs of diminishing intimacy as early as possible. When they do that, most partners can regain their connection. But if they ignore the warnings, it can become difficult and sometimes impossible to regain the closeness and safety they once took for granted.

10 Signs of Dying Intimacy

1. Personal Distance. When you’re in the same room, do you take the opportunity to be as near to one another as possible? People who flourish in each other’s company find comfort in physical proximity. They focus on each other when sharing experiences and reach out for physical touch to enhance those connections.

Did you ensure that you were physically close whenever possible when your love was new? Do you still do it now?

2. Greetings. Early in relationships, intimate partners are eager to see each other after they’ve been apart. Even if one is busy and the connection is unexpected, they stop what they’re doing to acknowledge and welcome the other’s presence, often with physical affection.

Do you remember being eager to connect that way when your love was new? How is it now? A “hi” from the other room is not the same as face-to-face enthusiasm.

3. Bids for Attention. One of the most obvious signs of healthy intimacy is how each partner responds to the other’s desire for recognition. Whether it’s just a comment, a facial expression, or physical openness, such welcome behaviors say, “I’m here. What do you need?” When those bids for connection are ignored, intimacy is in danger.

When your love was new, did your partner stop whatever they were doing, eager to connect? How is it now? Do you have to push to get a response?

4. Touch. Some people thrive on physical touch, while others don’t need it as much or as often. But intimacy cannot survive without affection, especially when either partner needs the comfort that touch provides. When touch diminishes, so does a mutually satisfying sexual connection.

When your love was new, did you regularly reach out to touch each other in a nurturing and engaging way? How is it now?

5. Priority. Though being the most important person to one’s partner is a lovely desire, it cannot always be the case. Life’s commitments often require that work, family, education, financial stressors, unexpected illness, and even spiritual regeneration may sometimes take precedence. But when a partner is in need, being the other's number-one priority must be honored.

When your love was new, could you count on your partner to put everything aside when you needed them to be there for you? Now, do you feel you can only ask for that if it's an urgent crisis?

6. Patience. People are readily patient with one another when they are first in love. They forgive easily and make room for the other to flourish, even if it does not always meet expectations in a timely way. Intimacy will rapidly lessen when patience becomes impatience, followed by criticism and invalidations.

When your love was new, were you more willing to forgive your partner when they did something that upset you, but you now find yourself increasingly irritated when that happens?

7. Tracking. The desire and interest to know what an intimate partner goes through when away from the relationship is a hallmark of care. Partners who remember commitments and experiences important to each other remember what those are and keep track of them.

When your love was new, did you and your partner want to know about whatever the other was doing when you were not together, but now you often don’t pay attention or remember?

8. Negative Comments. Romantic partners encourage and support each other. They make positive statements that make the other feel good about themselves. Even though there are some times that challenges are legitimate or tempers rise, they don’t fill the screen nor overwhelm those of genuine appreciation.

When your love was new, did you feel encouragement and support from your partner even when you thought you were not doing well? How is it now? Can you still count on them to be there for you when you are down or feel more irritating than forgivable?

9. Avoidance. The opposite of availability to bids for attention is avoidance. Once both partners made their partner’s needs central and high in priority, but excuses and procrastination may have replaced that haven of availability that was once guaranteed. Withholding, preoccupation, irritability as a response to a request, emotional distance, and neglect of shared traditions are all potent warning signs that intimacy is in danger.

Can you still count on each other to be there when needed?

10. Consistent interest in experiences away from the partner. Even when romance is new, couples do not always want to do the same things at the same time with each other. But they prioritize things they can share and prioritize those times every day. Intimacy fails when either partner begins not only to spend more time away from the other but is more energized and fulfilled when that happens.

When your love was new, did you feel your partner was eager to share experiences with you but now they are finding more joy and fulfillment away from you? Are your pleas for more shared experiences going unheard?


Choose Dr. Randi Gunther a Clinical Psychologist & Marriage Counselor who truly understands the complexities of human connection.

Reach out to Dr. Randi today and take the first step toward a brighter, more fulfilling future together.

Dr. Gunther is available by Zoom or Facetime


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