Do You Spill Your Partner’s Secrets?

How couples go after each other with accusatory and invalidating expressions.

When couples first come into therapy, I expect each to go after the other with accusatory and invalidating expressions. They are in a safe and confidential environment and need to get their frustrations out. Blaming the other and not acknowledging their own accountability is a common part of the initial therapeutic process.

Unfortunately, those same behaviors, when exhibited publicly, can be severely damaging to a relationship. Whether they feel they are intentionally doing it or not, intimate partners often use a public forum to expose each other's vulnerabilities and behaviors, thinking that by doing so they will be more effective in getting their partners to change behaviors they don’t like.

If you are the partner who publicly casts doubt on the other, you need to realize that what you are doing is rarely effective and will deeply damage your relationship with each other over time.

Here are just a few examples of these kinds of behaviors. Ask yourself if either you or your partner is guilty of making the other a scapegoat, and why you choose do it. Pay particular attention if you are feigning innocence and could be fooling yourself about your underlying intent.

1. Making Fun of Your Partner’s Traits. (“Don’t ever expect her to show up on time even if the casserole is worth waiting for. She and time just don’t have a relationship.”) Do you find yourself sharing something that you don’t like about your partner’s behavior that you haven’t been able to change, using the group environment to share your frustration? You may be hoping the group will agree with you, giving your needs more importance. You’re clearly asking for support but don’t want to state that directly or perhaps even admit it to yourself.

2. Sharing Their Socially Inappropriate Behaviors. (“Well, he almost made it through the night at the party until he could see they were running out of vodka. At that point, anything can happen. And I promise you that you wouldn’t like to be the one who takes care of him once we get home.”) Do you share past stories of things your partner has done and may do again to gain empathy and support, but wrapping the story as just a funny memory? If you are honest with yourself, are you trying to make your partner see that it bothers you? Maybe you think she will listen if you bring it up publicly?

3. Exposing an Earlier Trauma. (“Honey, this is right up your alley. You’ve been through it and know what that feels like. Tell these people; it will help them understand it better.”) You and your partner have shared certain private things from your past that you assume neither of you would ever share with others without explicit consent. But one day, maybe when you’ve had a few drinks, without thinking you break that crucial agreement.

4. Teasing. (“Don’t expect long, deep conversations, but she can talk about anything that's on TikTok.") Two kinds of motivations drive teasing. The first is to use bantering to up the energy in a conversation. The second Is simply to expose the other’s fallibilities. Do you tease your partner publicly to play with him or her in front of others, or are you trying to show power and superiority over him or her?

5. Shared Conversations About Others That Were Meant to Stay Private. (“Did you tell these folks about why Fred got fired? It’s fascinating and could happen to any of us. No one here knows him, so I’m sure it's OK if you share it.”) All couples share their deeper, sometimes fleeting negative opinions about family, co-workers, or even best friends when they are upset or just needing to vent. You know it's private, but sometimes you share their views in public anyway.

6. Sharing a Relationship Issue Without Their Permission. (“Come on, honey. We’re all friends and all of us have to deal with difficult situations. Be a good sport. Maybe they can help us. Let’s just get their input, okay?") Your group is conversing about their lives and relationships. You suddenly raise a deeper, private issue between you and your partner, asking the group for their weigh-in, making everyone feel a little uncomfortable, including your partner, but you ignore their entreaties to stop: Your needs are more important.

These examples all share this in common: As someone is publicly exposed in a vulnerable and embarrassing way, they lose trust that their partner has their back. And their future hopes of privacy become totally unreliable.

If you are engaging in these tattling behaviors, and want to stop, you must change your definition of trust to include the entitlement of safety and security you each have a right to expect. To change these potentially destructive patterns, your definition of trust must include each partner insuring that the other will feel safe and that whatever they share with each other will be held in private.

Don’t ever use the defense that you would be fine if your partner did the same to you. If you are in a relationship in which you routinely publicly expose your partner’s fallibilities, and there is no retaliation at the time, you have a pretty good idea that you are safe from that kind of reciprocal behavior.

OTHER ARTICLES: