10 Questions to Fast-Track Emotional Intimacy

Ask these open-ended questions to build trust and connect more authentically.

People usually communicate in layers of increasing openness. As they feel more trusting of someone, they share more of who they are. When people have known each other for a long time and their trust has grown, they are more likely to share more vulnerable experiences. But when they are just getting to know each other, they are understandably reticent to risk trusting their more vulnerable selves.

This is an understandable hesitancy, and many people limit their communication to superficial and safe statements until trust has been established. Sadly, the time it takes for those interactions to become more authentic may be long, ending many relationships that might have had potential.

Many people have asked me if there was a way to know a person more deeply in a shorter period. The answer is yes! Many non-invasive and caring questions can be asked to elicit answers to know someone more deeply and more quickly. These non-judgmental questions are purposefully open-ended, meaning they cannot be answered by just a "yes" or "no." They are designed to help people think more deeply about who they are before answering. These questions must be asked from a place of genuine interest and can never be used to entrap someone.

The following are 10 examples of questions that can create more meaningful interactions early in a relationship. Caveat: You should be willing and ready to answer the same questions yourself.

1. How have you been able to weather the losses in your life?

Every person experiences loss during their lifetime. Sometimes, these are devastating disappointments or disillusionments. If one can bounce back without cynicism or lingering resentment, they are more likely not to allow the past to define their future. They are more likely to be open and learn from sad and painful experiences and not allow bitterness to rule their futures.

2. How do you prefer to be touched by others?

Touch is a way of communicating. Some people have much wider boundaries and need to be comfortable to invite any kind of touch. For others, it may depend on the person or relationship, and even the time of day. Some like warm, long hugs while others just prefer a quick connection that is more superficial, but still genuine to them.

3. How have you handled traumatic experiences in your life?

Most people will think about this question for a while before they answer. Give them the time they need. You are not asking them to reveal the trauma, but only that you want to know how they have coped with it. Many will open up and share a memory; however, they don’t have to. That’s not what you’re asking.

4. What are some things that have frustrated you, and how have you handled them?

This question will bring out disappointments in people, feelings of powerlessness, past painful relationship breakups, anger at injustice, or an inability to get things done. Most people are open to sharing the barriers they have felt that may have stopped them from achieving the things they’ve wanted. The answer will also tell you how they react to frustrations presently.

5. What are some things you have wanted the most in your life?

Many people want to talk about their desires and dreams and open up easily on this question. You can determine what matters to them by the way they answer and how they feel when they’ve been able to realize those dreams. You will likely have many opportunities to ask more questions as they share their desires with you and whether they were able to fulfill them.

6. Have you ever had to suffer betrayal by someone you trusted?

No one has escaped believing in a person who then does something that upends that trust. It is often such a painful experience that it can take a long time to heal. Whether it is infidelity or a long-time friend who cheats you out of an opportunity, the damage can temporarily, or even permanently, keep a person from being willing to trust again.

7. Have you had to face injustices in your life?

Everyone has been on the other end of feeling unfairly treated at some point in their lives. They are usually grateful for another to care. This question can raise more general biases and prejudices when it bleeds into politics or social upsets, and you’ll need to be prepared to just listen and understand, rather than to argue your point of view. You don’t want someone who confides in you to feel they have been trapped in an argument.

8. Have you ever felt that you couldn’t live up to someone else’s expectations?

Many people have had sorrows or losses in their lives when they haven’t felt that who they are is enough. It could be about not feeling attractive enough, not having sports agility, not being able to keep up because of a medical limitation, not having enough money, lacking the education or experience required for a job, or just feeling like a failure.

9. How do you respond when others expect you to take care of them?

This is a question that will help you measure whether a person has felt taken advantage of in their past relationships and whether they’ve martyred themselves by giving what was asked, even though they are resentful. People who take care of themselves but are still able to give enough to others make good parents, good managers, and good friends.

10. How have you survived painful breakups in past relationships?

Most everyone has left or been left at some point in their relationships. Remember, you’re not asking about past partnerships or invading their privacy in any way, but you will be able to see resiliency or victimization, "bounce-back" or "cave-in" responses. Keep in mind that you will never be exempt from behaviors people have done in the past, so listen carefully to this answer.

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Choose Dr. Randi Gunther a Clinical Psychologist & Marriage Counselor who truly understands the complexities of human connection.

Reach out to Dr. Randi today and take the first step toward a brighter, more fulfilling future together.

Dr. Gunther is available by Zoom or Facetime

randiguntherphd@gmail.com

310-971-0228

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