Haven't You Had This Terrible Fight Before?

randiguntherphd
7 days ago
13 min read

How to turn destructive relationship battles into positive communication

No matter how compatible they are, every intimate couple is going to fight at some point in time. Positive-outcome fights resolve differences in respectful and insightful ways and make room for better communication in the future. Bad fights, especially when they are repetitive, dangerously weaken the chances for the regeneration of intimacy. They are dangerous whirlpools on the edges of emotional rivers that pull lovers down and away from their commitments to treasure one another.

Many couples don’t understand how dangerous it is to mindlessly repeat these negative conflicts. They are much more likely to forget them when they’re over and not anticipate their recurrence. Rarely do they realize that the ruts they are digging could be the downfall of their relationship if they are not identified and corrected.

These painful verbal ruts are most easily recognizable by how each partner talks to the other in the midst of one. Though they may think that they are just venting in the moment, they are creating a growing wall of anger, hurt, and mistrust that grows thicker with each repetition.

The sad part is that many couples don’t take seriously enough how these no-win conflicts often result in cumulative wounding. Because the partners are responding to one another in the same manner as they always have, they do not realize they are slowly poisoning their emotional reservoir. The angry and demeaning hurled verbal missiles become silent bullet holes in a fragile defense system that is cumulatively weakening.

Most once-loving couples would never use these kinds of phrases with anyone else they care about. Taken out of their seasoned context, they would be seen as terribly hurtful or even character assassinating. When I ask couples how they would feel if anyone else spoke to their partner in the same way, they are understandably appalled.

Then why do partners who once loved each other deeply fall into these negative verbal ruts and what can they do to pull out of them?

The following are some of the reasons well-meaning couples fall into these bad patterns. There are some that are significant and recognizable. You may feel a little daunted in reading them. Rest assured that even the most contented couples are in danger of creating them. The examples are not meant to overwhelm; only to create a foundation for learning and healing. To be effective in changing them, It is important that you are able to see them in yourself and your partner without blaming or judging them.

Examples of words and phrases that are common in these negative encounters are emphasized below by italics for easy recognition. Hopefully, they will help you more clearly identify your own. Once recognized, you can erase them from your communication vocabulary and replace them with a more effective and hopeful conflict resolution style.

Repeating Behaviors Learned In Childhood

Examples:

“Here we go again, going over the same stupid crap. This feels way too familiar. Don’t think just because you’re a meaner fighter than I am that you’re always going to win. I may seem fragile, but I have my ways to get back. I’ve learned from the best.”

“Is that some kind of threat? Remember, I lived with two alcoholic parents. Threats don’t faze me. You want to try rephrasing that dumb remark before you can’t back down?”

Many children hear their parents repetitively using ugly words and phrases when they are fighting. Most of those interactions have long since lost their power to change anything, but they are spoken with the same self-righteous anger over and over again. They demonstrate patterns of frustration, desperation, accusation, and eventual defeat. Watching from a place of powerlessness, their children unconsciously internalize them. When those children grow up and create their own adult relationships, they may unconsciously exhibit the same patterns as their relationship matures. They rarely realize that they are repeating what they themselves heard as children, so do not consider the effects it is having on their current relationship.

Unfortunately, anyone can be triggered into unconscious negative reactions learned in childhood. It’s even worse when one partner’s unconscious reactions trigger those in the other. They have been attracted to the positive aspects of one another, not realizing that underlying personality damage may be the deeper reason for the attraction.

Examples:

“You never think of me when you’re into your own thing.” (Mom’s anger at dad’s golf obsession.)

“If it were up to you, you’d control everything I ever do.” (Child resentment of a “tiger mom.”)

Getting Lazy

Examples:

“You’re obviously not ever going to be interested in what I have to say so I’m just going to agree with anything you say even if I think it’s stupid. That way you’ll get over this sooner and we can just move on, okay?”

“Great move. You get to patronize me and then not think you have to do anything different, right?”

At the beginning of a new relationship, both partners usually do whatever they need to ensure their relationship will flourish. They catch the small slights that happen between them before they become a problem, and heal them with abundant care and affection. They choose their words carefully so that their relationship grows in depth and support.

Unfortunately, the partners in long-term relationships can make the mistake of assuming that those small irritations will not grow and that resolving them is no longer necessary. They begin taking each other for granted and replace intentionally chosen behaviors with more automatic ones that take less energy and thought.

All relationships scar. Life’s challenges invade, and even the most well-intentioned of intimate partners make mistakes before they learn better. Fortunately, relationships also have the capacity to grow beyond those scars. If intimate partners are dedicated, learn from their mistakes, and create new solutions, they will continually re-create a relationship that works better, and the scars will become less and less prominent. If they are not, the relationship’s scarring will eventually overcome its ability to transform and heal.

Emotional scar tissue, like its physical counterpart, cannot as effectively take in nutrients or rid itself of waste. When intimate relationships load up on emotional scar tissue, they can no longer make room for the growth that every relationship needs to sustain.

Examples:

“Are you ever going to talk to me? I might as well just be talking to myself, for all the effort you put into listening to what I have to say. Why do I even think that you would care anymore?” (Feeling repeatedly abandoned.)

“Whatever. It’s never enough for you, so why don’t you just get it out.” (Giving up the hope that things will ever change.)

Too Busy

Examples:

“Honey, I don’t have time right now to listen. Just do whatever you want to, okay? It’ll be fine.”

“It doesn’t matter what I do? That’s the problem. You aren’t even listening. You never do. Just tell me that you don’t care and don’t pretend that you’re just being nice. I feel pretty low on your priority list.”

Repeated behaviors become habits that become automatic repetitions that become more likely to happen with each sequence. If people do not consciously and intentionally break bad habits, they automatically keep making that particular habit-groove deeper and more likely to happen again. Habits also take less energy because people don’t have to think about what they are doing or why they are doing them.

That’s not a problem if the habitual patterns are relationship-enhancing. If they are not, the relationship can begin to fall into those negative grooves and override any prior or potential positive interactions. If intimate partners become too busy to transform their conflicts into foundations for better resolution, they won’t have the energy to challenge their negative interactions.

Examples:

“Hey, I’ve asked you over and over to get this garage cleaned out. You make all kinds of promises and they’re all legitimate, but I’m losing faith in you. Why don’t you just tell me you don’t care about what’s important to me. That way I can just quit asking.” (Repeated phrase of feeling dismissed.)

“You’re nagging again. I told you I’d get it done and I will. Just because it’s not on your time schedule doesn’t mean it’s not important to me. Telling me a million times that I’m a jerk isn’t going to get you what you want. “(Flipping the blame to get her off track. No intent to follow through.)

Giving Up

Examples:

“You want to go over that same charade again? I’m sick of this. It will never make any difference. Do you just enjoy torturing me?”

“Well, then. Why don’t you come up with something more interesting instead of just dismissing what I have to say? If I just knew you even cared enough to listen, I’d probably faint.”

If the partners in a relationship have fallen prey to too many negative interactions, they will eventually be reticent to say or do anything new. They are just repeating interactions that don’t work and continue to leave negative emotional residue.

The relationship now is scarring rapidly and taking longer to heal. The atmosphere between the partners is tense and empty. There doesn’t seem to be any motivation or belief that things can get better. If there were innovative ways they could find each other again, they would be hidden in the haze of defeat.

At this point, the partners are losing faith that they can ever be vulnerable to each other again. Both may begin to search outside the relationship for support and validation, or choose activities that the other is not interested in just to legitimately get away. Sometimes a new person comes into the picture who is more available, opening the relationship to the possibility of infidelity.

Examples:

“I just don’t care anymore and you obviously don’t either. Why don’t we just take our losses and get out?” (He doesn’t really mean what he’s saying. He’s pushing the envelope, hoping the intensity will get her to respond.)

“You’re probably having an affair. Why don’t you just be honest about it and go where you’ll obviously be happier?” (She’s fishing and pushing back and it’s highly likely that neither of them will mention this again until the next time.)

Lack of Interest

Examples:

“Go ahead without me. I’m really tired and I’ll just stay home and catch up on stuff. I’ve not very interested in those people anyway, and you’ll have a better time without me.”

“That means you just don’t want to be with me. Why don’t you just admit it? I hear you on the phone with other people acting really excited about what they say. Go ahead and admit it. I just bore you to death.”

Relationships don’t remain static. Like any other living organism, they either evolve or they decay. If couples don’t continue to regenerate themselves and each other, they will soon simply repeat interactions with less and less energy or enthusiasm. Eventually they will not have enough interest in each other to stay connected.

A powerful warning sign is an atmosphere of low or non-existent energy between the partners. There is no fighting, no sharing, no passion, and no challenge. On the surface, they could even be called super-compatible. Underneath there is emptiness and the beginnings of decay.

Couples losing interest in each other spend more and more time silent or away doing other things. They lead parallel lives, sometimes in devotion to children, religion, or family, but not any longer to each other.

Examples:

“You’ve said that to me over and over. I’m sick of hearing it. Why don’t you just make a recording and I’ll listen to it regularly. That way you won’t have to keep repeating yourself.” (She really wants him to offer something that means more to her but is not expecting him to say anything that actually interests her.)

“What do you want after all this time, some kind of damn performance? You used to think I was funny. Maybe you’re the one who isn’t exciting anymore. Ever think of that?” (He’s counter-attacking with his own lack of caring about the relationship and has said this many times before.)

Bitterness

Examples:

“Why should I even ask you anymore? You don’t really care. You just tolerate me, don’t you? I see your eyes rolling when you think I’m not looking.”

“Well, as long as you’re playing all the parts, it doesn’t matter what I say, right? I’m so damn fed up with this crap.”

Repeated disappointments and disillusionments with no hope of resolution automatically end up in bitterness. Even partners who once loved each other deeply can fold if neither side offers any hope.

Because love seems so unattainable, one or both partners are likely to resort to sarcasm, indirect or passive/aggressive behavior, or full-blown attacks. The other will naturally defend by counter attack or withdrawal. If there is no healing between these negative ritual behavioral patterns, the relationship will die of its own hand.

Examples:

“I don’t even care anymore what you think about me. I’m so over expecting you to love me the way I needed you to. What happened to all the big promises? You’re a big talker when you want something and I should have known better.” (His mom was a gold-digger. He’s gone after her many times before accusing her of taking advantage.)

“You’ll never see me as someone who loves you for yourself. I don’t need your God-damn money and never will. It’s you who sees that as your calling card. Get over it.”

Depression

“Everything I do makes you mad. You’ve been so withdrawn and apathetic lately. You hardly respond to me. You’re antsy and reactive. What’s wrong with you?”

“Why do you have to make something out of nothing? I’m just going through a hard time again. Can’t you just coast a little, or do I have to perform for you when I don’t feel like it?

Depressive symptoms can be the significant drivers behind one or both partners falling into a negative rut. They can be innate and emerge when stressors are too heavy, or a response to too many losses without time to recoup. If the person on the other end of a depressed partner doesn’t understand what is causing the negative, repeated behavior patterns, he or she may feel responsible and eventually overwhelmed.

Too much or too little sleep, low self-esteem, restlessness or exhaustion, apathy and little or no interest in anything pleasurable are all signs of clinical depression. If the depression is not recognized and treated, that person will pull his or her partner deeper and deeper into that eddy.

Examples:

“I just don’t have the patience to deal with you anymore. I just get so tired of the same crap we talk about over and over. I need a break.” (Exhibiting weariness and the inability to keep going.)

“It’s been a long time since you had anything interesting to say. I’m going crazy with your never having any energy or caring for me. You’re becoming more of a drag every day.” (Bringing up a long past with no hope.)

How Can You Get out of Negative Ruts?

The longer these destructive interactions have been around, the greater weight they have and the more energy they generate that can override the goodness of a relationship. That just means that you will need more commitment to change them. The greater their power over you, the more you must be willing to put in the commitment to turn things around.

Exercise

The first step is to identify them in your relationship. Answer the following questions individually on paper, and then share the answers with your partner. You may have overlaps, but you can add some to each other’s list that your partner did not think of. The more you can identify the greater chance you have of healing your relationship.

1) What negative verbal words and phrases do you repeat with your partner on a regular basis? Make a list of them to help you identify them when they come into play.

2) How do you believe they are affecting your partner and can you predict that in advance? Do his or her responses fall in line with what you’d like them to be? If not, why do you think you continue to use them?

3) Where do you believe those words and phrases originated from? Use the list above as possible references but add your own if they apply.

4) How are you feeling when you use each of those phrases? Can you find that feeling in your body and connect it to where it came from?

5) What do you think you need to do to stop using damaging communication?

6) What would you like your partner to do to help you stop participating? Can he or she help you identify what happens before you say these things and try to give you what you need before the interaction occurs?

7) Can you and your partner create a new and more positive way to share negative feelings and help to resolve them?

8) What particular words or phrases do you know that hurt you and your partner the most deeply? Try to share those that are the most destructive with each other and make a sacred vow not to use them again.

Make sure that, as you share these answers with each other that you do not fall prey to one of your negative interactions while discussing them. Listen carefully to each other’s comments and do not invalidate or challenge them. The goal is to get rid of animosity and to get back on the same team again.

Once you have identified your negative rituals, pick some that you both agree upon and begin your healing process by committing together to the rules stated below.

1) Promise each other that you both will stop your negative, repeated interaction the moment either of you recognizes you are in one of these negative loops.

2) When you recognize that you have just stopped a negative ritual, go over questions 2-5 using that particular interaction as your example.

3) Start the interaction again, but change your behavior according to what you have agreed to do, and asked your partner to do in questions 5, 6 and 7.

4) Evaluate the new interaction together.

5) Together, create a special private word, phrase, or gesture that will immediately identify this interaction in the future. If either of you use that cue, promise that you will not ignore it.

Negative verbal rituals are one of the most insidious ways that people who once loved each other can become enemies. They can happen to any couple and can erode away their commitment to the relationship. Fortunately, if you work together, you can stop them and return to the love and support you both once counted upon.

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