10 Commitment Factors That Keep Intimate Partners "All In"

randiguntherphd
Jun 29
5 min read

What it takes to successfully build a long-lasting intimate relationship.

Most all relationships are in flux today. Whether sequential monogamy, multiple concurrent unions, choosing single as a preference, or the ever-romantic choice of long-term intimacy, many people are overwhelmed and undecided as to what relationship choice to seek.

Yet, most people still yearn for “the one” with whom they can build an evolving, transforming relationship that deepens over time and has a broad social system that supports it. Loneliness, even with a relationship, often pervades without that haven of extended friends and family.

It is not easy to accurately identify what it takes for people to achieve a long-lasting intimate relationship, but there are some common variables that seem to be ever-present in those that exist.

You can determine if you are likely to have that option by exploring the following questions:

1. Age

Maturity brings a lot to the table in terms of learning through life experiences what works and what doesn’t. Yet, I have known many couples who married their first love and stayed together as they worked out their issues as they evolved. Many times, young people reach from their inner hearts and souls and “get” the other in ways that growing older may erase. Innocent and fully committed adolescent love can create a bond that may last forever.

Most people, unfortunately, have to learn along the way how to perfect the techniques that make long-term, quality relationships possible.

2. Social Support

Being surrounded by friends and family who support couples as they go through hard times helps any couple to keep going even when those times are challenging. Couples who are isolated or only exposed to people whose relationships don’t work are more likely to give up when too many stresses hit, or when their relationship has lost its hopeful future.

3. Personality

There are people who don’t renege on their commitment unless that promise can no longer be fulfilled by unexpected and unpredictable challenges. They rarely see quitting as an option and commit to partners who feel the same way.

That doesn’t mean they just bear it or get used to mediocracy. They work hard to continue transforming through crises and challenges, and take pride in making what they have continuously stronger through those hard times.

4. History

Both childhood and adult relationship experiences can be fraught with disappointment and loss, making trust in sustainable partnerships hard to keep believing in. There are critical times in life when people reach out to others for comfort and support. It only takes a few times when those resources are not available to make us disillusioned and take less chances when we should be looking for options that do work instead. Childhood, adolescence, launching into adulthood, and unresolved losses can set anyone back.

5. Childhood Modeling

The relationships observed in childhood allow children to see what makes a relationship work and what doesn’t. Divorce, loss, unresolved crises, addictions, domestic abuse, lack of outside support, and inherent personality, can make a child more susceptible to a loss of trust when they grow up.

Conversely, when children see parents who work out their issues and even remain friends when they can no longer be together, know there are better options than to run from fear or pain without committing to working things out if at all possible.

6. Ethics

Whether through religious or cultural training, or simply an inherent sense of right and wrong, people are likely to fall back on their ethical underpinnings when they are having a hard time keeping their promises. When faced with unpredictable challenges, they rely on their internal moral structure to hang in there and do everything they can to work through issues because they feel it is the right thing to do.

They also take accountability and do not blame, seeking to strengthen their ethical code through adversity. That doesn’t mean they feel martyred or resentful, only more committed to what they believe in when challenged.

7. Luck

Some people are fortunate enough to have the skills, the guidance, and the support they need to maintain their commitments through hard times. It may only take a good friend who believes in the relationship, a quality professional who can guide at the right time, or surrounding family who hold the partners in good hands during times when their relationship is under too much stress.

Conversely, the lack of that support can result in a premature or a wrong ending to a relationship that could have made it, had there been the right kind of support.

8. Options

People who grow up in the comfort and limitations of a small community may stay together through hard times because there are no other options available. They often have multiple extended family ties that go back generations.

In a world where diaspora reigns, people are often far away from those guardrails and may be more isolated in times of stress. They are bombarded with outside pressures that encourage quitting and searching for a “better option.” Sadly, that rarely works out if the partners have not learned from their mistakes.

9. Resilience Under Stress

Whether a personal attribute or one encouraged by support, the ability for people to bounce back from adversity can give a couple the time they need to make better decisions about their commitments to each other. Resilience can be inbred or learned through example or guidance, and most people who have mastered it display it throughout all areas of their lives.

10. Commonality of Background

When a couple is very compatible, they “get” one another and are able to better predict feelings and actions. They know what to expect and how they can count on one another as a team. Whether they come from an extended family or a bevy of good friends, or just basically like each other’s values and choices, they live in a partnership world with little surprise.

That level of predictability can lead to boredom or just “settling.” What may have felt perfect at the beginning can stop a couple from taking the risks that keep a relationship alive and interpersonally challenged.

The couples who know that fact encourage each other to keep growing and changing while maintaining their commitment to the relationship. They do not fear shaking things up to make sure that their relationship stays authentic.

OTHER ARTICLES: